You jokes
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
"It's not you, it's me."
A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."
How do you put "blonde" and "duh" in the same sentence? Just say, "Blondes are dumb."
If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
Only one of them stops sucking after you slap it.
Gun
Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
Do you know Candice?
Candice dick fit in your mouth!
I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't beat your...
What do you call an orphan?
A bootysnagger45.
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Bc they're good at it.
So you know "The Lion King."
Do you remember Simba?
Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.
So I told him to Mufasa.
What do you call a gold digger?
A miner.
What do you call a cow who walks on two legs?
Lean beef.
Why do you call a pineapple a pineapple?
Because it is a pineapple, pin, apple, apple, pen, doudodo.
If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where the home is.
Also, what do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family photo.
What do you call a bird orgy?
No bird control.