You jokes
- Hey, are you single?
- No, I'm album.
How do you fix an igloo?
With Iglue.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fffffsshhhhhh
What were Princess Diana's last words?
Have you been Dri...?
Work
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire? Hot wheels!
I guess you can say he xxxpired.
So, a neutron went to a bar. He asked the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender said, "For you, no charge."
Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?
Wife: Honey, I love you.
Husband: I love you all.
Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?
Carlos.
Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.
Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.
You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.
If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it!
What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?
An animal abuse warrant.
You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?
Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.