You jokes

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?

Except at a funeral.

Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”

No? Shame, it was real fun.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

How do you make the grass cut itself?

Make it depressed.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?

What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?

"Are you ready kids?"

How do you stop a baby from crying?

You drown it.