You jokes
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
How do you make the grass cut itself?
Make it depressed.
What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?
Panera bloodshed.
What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?
Panera misled.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.
Are you bisexual...
Or are you hellosexual?
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?
The Incredibles.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
How did you get into the tampon 100?
Pull some strings!
Your hairline is so ugly, it’s receding from your face to never see you.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?
Sandy Hook survivor.