You jokes
What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?
You cook spaghetti with his blood!
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there? Control Freak. Con... OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!
Memes
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
What did one bee say to the other bee?
"I love you, honey!"
What do you call expired milk?
The Milky Way.
Why do you let your dads sleep so they don't get grumpy and eat your dinner?
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey bud! When do you open?"
What do you do when an orphan is taking a photo?
Yell "FAMILY PICTURES!"
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
"Bonus, we can even watch a movie and still chat! Love you!
Which one do you want to watch? 😀"
I lick poo for a living... You?
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
Friend A: "Why are you still a virgin, bro?"
Friend B: "I was until last night."
Friend A: "Nah, nah, who with?"
Friend B: "Your sister."
Friend A: "I don't have a sister."
Friend B: "Just wait 9 months, you'll see."
You: OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THE KRAP THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH!
The other person: Who?
You aka answer: Your Butt cheeks.
-->[] go through the door if you can.
How do you get a blonde to drown? You tell them the bottom of the pool smells weird.
I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.