You jokes
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who.
You sound like an owl.
I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.
Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.
Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?
The adult person I asked: Cereal?
Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?
The person: Yes.
Me: WHAT?!!!??!!
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a square room and tell her to run in a circle.
"Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?" I see a blind man looking at me.
"Blind man, blind man, what do you see?"
Oh sorry, I forgot you can't see.
Memes
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?
Have you heard about the Pokemon called "rhy rhy rhyde" on deez nuts?
How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?
"No, you hang yourself first..."
Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't worry, I will be there too, not in the cage but laughing at you.
Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?
That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.
What do you call a Mexican door?
Dora.
What do you call a field of masturbating cattle?
Beef strokin' off.
People are like tequila glasses,
you gotta shoot them down fast.
Why can't you play with a cheetah?
Because they are cheat-ahs!
When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
What did the pencil say to the piece of paper? You FLAT.
What did the spoon say to the pancake batter? You THICK.