You jokes
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.
What do you call a stoner when horny?
A weed whacker!
What did the dirt say to the embers?
You look smoking hot.
I would tell you a joke about a slice of pizza, but it's really... cheesy. I donut think you will come up with a better pun than this.
What do you call a skeleton's omelet?
A bonelet.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get in the van, or I'll kill you.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
Do you have a halo, cause I can give you one.
Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.
Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”
How do you count cows with a cowculator?
Going to church, you don't think you are Christian.
Sleeping with ten men, you don't think you are straight.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."