You jokes

How do you shut Helen Keller up?

You give her mittens.

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"

A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"

The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?

A: A couch potato. HaHaHa

Women are like dogs...

"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"

"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"

"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."

SHOES

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

What do you call a feminist? A Karen.

Hey girl, do you like Harry Potter?

Because I want to wingardium leviosa up that skirt, alohamora those legs open, and aqua erupto inside of your leaky cauldron.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but nobody cares about you.

Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)

The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."

The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."

The condom just sitting there laughing.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

What's the difference between a yellow line and a baby?

You can't run over a yellow line.