You jokes
"Bill swift here, you make them, we take them!"
Do you know who invented paper?
Cai Lun!
“RIP” Cai Lun.
You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.
Making a comforting breakfast.
But you have a knife.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high, grabbed Jill's thigh, and said, "I know you wanna."
Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Emotional damage
"Hi, honey, how do you want buns?"
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
What can you tell [is] the difference between Stephen Hawking and a carrot?
Nothing.
How do you make people mad? You use the wrong category. It makes them go red.
Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?
A: Because they're retired!
Like if you meet someone emo.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
What did the poo say to the ass?
"I left you."
A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.
The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"
She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."
The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"
And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"
"Why?" says the bully.
"Because you haven't got a tower."
What is the difference when I have my dick in your mouth or when you have yours in mine?
Oh, I forgot, you don't got one, bitches, suck my dick.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.