You jokes

There was a man in a tower, and the other man thought it was a girl, so he said, "Let down your long hair." He said, "OK, I will let my big, super long, hairy penis down for you to climb and suck." Then the other man said, "If you have such a long dick, suck it yourself. See ya, b*tch."

Earlier that day...

Mars: Okay Venus, you need to stop with the puns.

Mission on space.

Mars: Moon? You okay?

Moon:...

Mars: Moon come on! Stop spacing out!

*Venus and Moon giving her the smirk*

What do you call two Michael J. Fox's standing next to each other?

Parallel Parkinson's.

What do you call a clown that is allergic to strawberries?

...Ollie the clown!

Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.

Sister: No, I won't stop.

Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.

Sister: What? You will see when I post it.

Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?

Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.

One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."

Did you hear about the needle and thread shop?

Never mind, it was needle-ess.

If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?

0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.

What do you call a knight that has one arm? A first battle night.

What do you call a knight that lost both arms? A two battle useless knight.

What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast.

What do you call a pig doing a karate chop?

What do you call a bear with no ears? A b.

Yeah, that joke was unbearable.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

One, if you throw it hard enough.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dyslexic.

Dyslexic who?

You.

What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?

"Now sashimi, now you don't!"

My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

So I said, "But which one?"

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What do you call a pig with two legs? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahaa

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

What time is it when you smell garbage? Time to run!