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So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.

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    • The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."

    The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."

    How many people can you fit in a car?

    6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

    My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

    I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

    What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?

    “Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”

    Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.

    Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.

    Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.

    A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

    The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

    The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"

    Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.