You jokes

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

You're so ugly that I choked and died.

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

What do you call a deer who is funny?

Diraleous.

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

How do you make people mad? You use the wrong category. It makes them go red.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

Yo mama, why do you have to jump in the pool as soon as I can find the water on Mario? I mean, Mario jump to Mars!

Why is Lucas so weird? I don't know, you tell me.

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮

B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛

you look like a dumb crab. When everyone sees you, the world will end.

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

Your forehead's so big that you dream in 4k.