You jokes
What's the difference between me and a rope?
A rope will hang with you.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I was born pretty, what happened to you?
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
How bout you Rhydon deez nuts?
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.
Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:
"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"
Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"
Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."
Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
When you're working in the Twin Towers, but you have to turn your computer to airplane mode.
If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.
So I could put kids inside you.
What do you call a black guy on the moon?
YOU RACISTS! An astronaut!
What do you call an autistic kid with a minigun?
Special forces.
I have returned. Anyways, what do you call it when you're actually in Panera Bread, being in Panera Bread?
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
What do you call an orphan who takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he replies.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
That shirt's very becoming on you.
If I were on you, I’d be coming too.
Q: What do you call a blind German man?
Q: A not-see (Nazi).