Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
Do you want drugs? Buy KFC; poor people.
If you want KFC, pour water on a poor person outside our restaurant and film it.
What do you call two AI systems that are in love with each other? Member of chat LGBT.
Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.
Your hairline left you because you were too ugly for your push back hairline.
I’m not funny! Please do not laugh at my jokes! But do check them out, they’re very unpredictable. Read them, do not laugh, they’re jokes, do not laugh at them!
Someone: hah- Me: NO DON’T YOU DARE!😠😠
Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.
Random person: What stuff? 🤨
Me: What?
The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!
Me: Colourful flamingo fart.
What are the odds of you being in a relationship that is going on in the next few months?
You're so fat, you have your own gravitational pull.
What makes you guys high?
I get high when I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.
Random words in my keyboard:
The most annoying part of this game has always been that the players don’t know how much time it takes to get to the table before you start playing them.
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?
They both thank you for your financial support.
Your hairline is so far back that when your teacher puts you in the front of the class, your hairline is quite in the back.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a photo of himself?
A family photo.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A Juan on Juan.
What do you call a deer with no ear?
One ear.
