You jokes
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
How do you make 7 an even number? Take the "s" out!
A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"
What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting?
Octopied.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
Have you ever tried North Korean food?
Neither have the North Koreans.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.