billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
You Jokes
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
You know bins????
They're trash!
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"
Do you get it? SEArch.
What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
How do you get a clown off your swing?
You shoot it.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels! We'll see him soon.
What do you call someone with a small dick... whoever is reading this 😉
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
Robin: "The car's not working."
Batman: "Did you check the battery?"
Robin: "What's a tery?"
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?
Because they have no Windows!
What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?
A cliffhanger.
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
Adopted kid: I made a big mistake!
Dad: You are one.
I would tell you a chemistry pun, but I won't get a reaction.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"