You Jokes

You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!

"Yah, I do!"

Oh yeah? What is it?

"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"

That’s breathing, Jim.

"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"

What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?

Carlos.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

I told you ten puns to make you laugh, and I do not pun in-ten-did.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.

What do you call a PEIS?

When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotopuss

If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.

Don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher, then remember you're home schooled?

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

What do you call a 100-year-old frog?

An old croak!

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."

You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.

Q: What do you call a sad soda?

A: Soda-pressing.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!