You jokes
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Car-los
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?
Well, I just can't seem to put it down.
I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.
Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.
If you were a food, what would you be?
Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."
Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."
Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."
What do you call two bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
MAN 1) Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
MAN 2) No.
MAN 1) Neither did he.
Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?
How can you make a orphans hand bleed?
Real them to clap until there parent come home.
Person 1: Hi, I am Tom, and you?
Person 2: Andrew?
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
Fuck you, German kids, especially [those who are] alive.
Jake, Tommy, and Mike were adopted. Jake got adopted, Tommy got adopted, and Mike. Mike grew up to be an office worker. So you get a new job, and hear something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY!"
"You look like Barney, I'm choking you too, and your face is turning all purple and blue!"
Do you know why I hate pedophiles?
They are fucking immature kids!
What do you call a cow you can’t see?
Camooflauged.