You jokes
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"
You look like your mom and your dad had a child.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What do you call a woman covered in mud? A dirty dishwasher.
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
Mum: Why are roses red?
Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.
Mum: I made you.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Answer: Special forces.
Little Johnny comes down for breakfast because he lives on a farm, and his mother asks if he has done his chores or not.
"Not yet," says little Johnny, so he goes to feed the chickens, cows, and pigs. He ends up kicking the chickens, cows, and pigs and goes inside and asks why he got a dry bowl of cereal. His mother responds with, "I saw you kick the chickens, so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pigs, so no bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cows, so no milk for a week either."
Little Johnny's father comes downstairs and kicks the cats. Little Johnny looks at his mother and says, "You want to tell him, or should I?"