Your mom is so fat Buzz Lightyear had to say "To infinity to beyond" to leave her house.
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
Yo mama so fat that if she didn't eat for a day, there would be enough food to feed Africans for 500 years.
History teacher: "They had a temporary cure for the disease, but it would be years before they found a cure for life."
Student: "I need that."
Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.
I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"
She said, "Yes."
"Knock knock."
I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"
If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:
So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.
A 10 year old girl reported to her friends that her 16 year old male babysitter was touching her inappropriately. He quickly lost his job as a babysitter.
A 10 year old boy reported to his friends that his 16 year old female babysitter was touching him inappropriately. She quickly became the most popular babysitter in town amongst boys.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
2001 called... they hit the Pentagon.
Shout out to the terrorists, your year is starting off with a bang!
You're so fat, you lasted a whole year on the cross just off of your fat.
In the year 2020, who were the biggest enemies?
Coronavirus and toilet paper.
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
I've been looking for my parents for years.
For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.
Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.
But you could get plastic surgery and look 20 years younger. With that, no one will suspect you!
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.
I told him my dad never came back with it.
Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.
