New Year Jokes - Page 18 - Worst Jokes Ever

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him Rachel said. Watch two martial arts movies , eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar. Jim replied with a shocked look, that's what I do after Mr tugman shakes my hand to long.

A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding... ...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.

"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."

The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'

They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'

Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...

Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."

She replied, emphatically,"No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"

Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

One dark stormy night when I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee. Half asleep, I walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door, I felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically, and the ghostly sound stopped. Terrified, I did what I had to and went back to bed.

The next 3 nights, the same thing happened, and finally, I decided I had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up, I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up and said, "You have to come with me and see this, it's really important." Half asleep, she murmured, "Oh, what is it? Can't it wait until the morning?" I pleaded, "No, you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost. When I go in the middle of the night, I can hear a ghost sound. Then when I open the door, I feel the cold as it swoops through me, and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "Oh, so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years". I walked away shocked but not surprised

What do 7 year old girls want? To be ate!

one day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy then they heard a sound from the bushes, instead of looking down they both ran.

two years later they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial they asked him if he has ever been caught he said "No but a couple was walking as soon as i killed a girl i jumped into a bush they didnt know i was there but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down then he and his girlfriend ran."

one of my students ask "can i have a book mark?"

A YEAR OF SCHOOL AND THEY STILL DONT KNOW MY NAME IS DANNY

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said “don’t bother sweeping him son, hes been dusted for years” I was shocked but not surprised.

flat earthers are completely wrong, if the earth was flat I would have yoted myself of the edge, years ago!

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while we was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

Child:Hello I can’t find my dad.stranger:Oh well when and where did you last see him?child:Oh I remember 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

10 years ago my dad said i should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... i still eat cereal with water sadly

I think I found the worst joke in life ,For me it's that i have always been unwanted and alone for my hole life and I've have never even been In a relationship with anyone and I'm 31 years old and I also know that deep down, I'm always going to be alone and unhappy ,all I get out of life, is seeing everyone else with someone ,and knowing it will never happen for me , I think that's the worst joke I can think of .LIFE. Still living when you know you'll never find someone to be with I apologize with the wording to this it's another thing I am a failure at

feel free to comment

I've got not much of anything to be honest Been in special classes in school Not liked by people Only relationship I've ever had and she cheated on me 31 years old and never had sex pathetic Not very smart Don't look good Hate myself more than anything Been a failure at everything in life Probably be alone forever People treat me like crap Can't do anything right And the list goes on and on

So the question is why haven't I killed myself yet the answer is ,I forget I'm a extreme procrastinator keep just putting it off because I'll probably just fuck it up anyway