What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
What person can't work at a family business? An orphan.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.
September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay
My boss had the heart of a child.
In a jar. On his desk.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."
She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."
Hot women with big boobs work at Hooters, but where does a handicap woman work?
IHOP.
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *pauses porn* Why?
I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I asked, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working at an orphanage :)
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.
A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
