Workplace jokes

Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.

Everyone else in the office: 😱

When I was at work, I saw this kid crying. I said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working in an orphanage.

Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

Bosses are like seagulls.

They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.

Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.

Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!

What do you call sex in the World Trade Center?

An inside job.

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me what you did?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

I saw a kid crying and I asked him, "Where are his parents?"

God, I love working at orphanages!

I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"

I saw a kid crying in the corner of the room and I said, "Are you OK? Where are your parents?" and he started crying even more.

I love working in an orphanage.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

I had a job at a banana factory. I got fired because I threw away the bent ones.

Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."

Vortex: "You'll do what?"

Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"

*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*

Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."

How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?

Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.