Workplace jokes
My boss had the heart of a child.
In a jar. On his desk.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.
What's the difference between an office worker and a vegetable?
They both sit in "wheelchairs," but only one can get out of it.
Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."
Vortex: "You'll do what?"
Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"
*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*
Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."
I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *pauses porn* Why?
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
What person can't work at a family business? An orphan.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.