Work jokes

A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"

Why was the depressed man happy in food-tech?

He got to cut himself.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was out-standing.

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

Why can't emos work at a restaurant? Because they cut too much.

Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?

Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

How much work does a skeleton get done?

A SKELE-TON!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?

Because every little helps!

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.