I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.
September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something. SOMEONE will laugh. Say: "This word isn't gonna be funny until I tell you, your probably not going to laugh." *your friend* "what's the word?" *you* "finger" *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not everyone laughs, so don't feel bad if they don't. Also, don't be surprised if you get put in jail for murder, because you're going to kill someone with this.
My boss had the heart of a child.
In a jar. On his desk.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
I got fired from the library. What did I do? I only put a book on women's rights in the fiction section.
I dated a furry once.
The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.
Proof that 9/11 isn't a government plot.
It worked.
Why do orphans work boomerangs?
Because it's the only thing that comes back.
What is a briefcase?
A short lawsuit.
I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
I went over to a crying child and said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at an orphanage!
I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."
She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
I asked, "Where are your parents?" and oh god, I love working at an orphanage.
