Woman jokes
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?
Mixed nuts.
What did the headless horseman say to the woman?
"Give me head."
If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?
Man: *behind the women* She's so ugly!
Woman: My back is not a voicemail, unless you're a coward and can only say it behind my back to my face.
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
Your hairline is so bad that it turned Wonder Woman into Failure Man.
A woman goes to buy a parrot.
There is one for 200, 500, and one for 15 bucks.
She asks why the last one is so cheap.
The man at the counter says, "It used to live in a brothel/sex house."
The lady buys it anyway.
When she gets home, it says, "Fuck me, a new brothel!"
When her daughters get home, it says, "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"
When the father gets home, the parrot says, "Fuck me, Daryl, haven't seen you in the brothel in weeks!"
What do a woman construction worker and a woman activist have in common?
They just stand there and hold the sign.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind.
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
Feminism.
What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?
A Kinder Joy.
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
Flippity floppity, women are property.
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.