Woman jokes

What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

I got kicked out of the library for putting the Women's Rights book in the fantasy section.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

What do you call a woman with three boobs? Tres leches.

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

I once got in trouble in the library for putting the women's right book in the fantasy section.

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?