Woman jokes

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?

Accountability.

I got kicked out of the library for putting the Women's Rights book in the fantasy section.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

What do you call a woman with three boobs? Tres leches.

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.

I once got in trouble in the library for putting the women's right book in the fantasy section.