Woman jokes

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.

They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

Women should be allowed to choose: dishes or cooking first.

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

I got kicked out of the library for putting the Women's Rights book in the fantasy section.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

What do you call a woman with three boobs? Tres leches.

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

I once got in trouble in the library for putting the women's right book in the fantasy section.

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?

My dick!

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.