Woman

Woman jokes

My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.

We never met again.

What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?

"Alcohol, you later!"

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

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  • What's the difference between a snowman and a snow lady?

    Snowballs!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"

    Doctor: "To the morgue."

    Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."

    Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

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  • A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

    A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

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  • Man: Did you know pidgins die after having sex?

    Woman: No, really?

    Man: Well, the one I fucked did...

    I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...

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  • A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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  • I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

    Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

    What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

    Cot death.

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  • What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

    Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."