Wife jokes
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”
Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Jake who woke up one morning to find his wife and her wheelchair missing. He searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, he put up posters all over town offering a reward.
Why did Stephen Hawking and his wife stop playing hide and seek? She kept using a metal detector.
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
A Chinese teacher's phone rang as he was going to class, and he said:
"My phone the ring ring, it's my wife ring ring."
I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password.
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?
The husband answers her: Pretty.
The wife responds: Thank yo-
The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.