Wife jokes

What's the definition of rude?

Sticking a blind man in a corner and telling him to find his wife.

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

How did Anakin get away with cheating?

By choking on his wife!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

Why did the woman cross the road?

What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.