Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?
Wife: In a detective novel.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.
My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.
Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes So she gave me a hug
A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."
Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."
Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."
JFK was so popular he was banged in front of his Wife.
You have to be a good mom to be a MILF.
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
How did a man know his wife died?
Dishis start piling up.
Yo papa's wife is so dumb and fat that we had to use yo papa.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
