Whos

Whos jokes

Wife

    • Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

    Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

  • 2

    • Parrot

    • A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

    A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

    Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

  • 24

    • Sex

    • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

    "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

    Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

    They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

    Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

    I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

    Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

    What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

    What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

    "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

    A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

    How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

    If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

    A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

    Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

    What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."

    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

    How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

    An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

    Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

    What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

    Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

    What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

    How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

    What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

    What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

    What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

    What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.

    What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."

    What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

    What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

    What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.

    What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.

    Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

    A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

    What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap."

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

  • 6

    • Mom

    • "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"

    Whos memes

    Grandmother

    • "Knock knock."

    "Who's there?"

    "Steve!"

    "Steve who?"

    Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.

    Mustache

    • "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Mustache." "Mustache who?" "I mustache you a question, but I'm shaving it for later."

    Chicken

    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road.

    He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?"

    "Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done."

    This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine."

    "What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do."

    "You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?"

    Chuck knew the answer. "Me."

    Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house."

    Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either.

    "No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways."

    He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?"

    Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence.

    He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him.

    A single tear welled in Chuck's eye.

    The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

    9/11

    • "Knock Knock"

    "Who's there?"

    "9/11"

    "9/11 Who?"

    "I thought you'd never forget..."

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