When jokes

What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

When do astronauts eat lunch?

At launch time.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

At least when I fucked it.

When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.

*sans*: Why was the skeleton depressed? Because Frisk keeps resetting and it resets when he lost his phone.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.