When jokes
What happens when Helen Keller picks her nose?
She slurs her words...
I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.
What was OceanGate's biggest regret?
Not painting Dylan Mulvaney on the side of the Titan submarine for when it sunk like Bud Light's profits.
What do you tell a suicidal person when they complain about their problems to you?
Just hang in there, man.
Your mom is so weak, when she jumped from the Twin Towers, her baby became disabled.
Wait what???
Yo mama so fat, when she jumped, gravity was no more.
What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog.
Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?
Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.
What do depressed people do when they’re bored?
They “Hang” Out.
Why can't orphans go big? When you go big, it's considered family size.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
What happens when there's ten people in one house and they all have to shit and there's one bathroom?
It's a motherfucking shitshow party!
How do you know when Kobe Bryant is famous?
His face was chiseled in a mountain.
What do you call it when a gay guy eats Cheerios?
Fruit Loops.
Ur mum so fat that when she walked into a bar, they said, "Sorry, we don't sell food here."
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
The old cookoo master on the top of Mt. Qinshan told me this when I was eating sushi:
"The first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you there."
😳
When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"
What happens when you get a virus-related sickness? It goes viral on Twitter!