When jokes
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.
My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.
But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, the earth falls out of the Solar System.
What do you call a born-again heteroflexible male that is a Christian nationalist who thinks he is bisexual when the LGBT community knows that he is bicurious and that he is on steroids and that the LGBT community knows that he is not telling the truth about that? He is a gay man that is in the closet. He should be forced out of the closet by gay men in the LGBT community by any means necessary if gay men in the LGBT community still want to defend the wall of separation of church and state by any means necessary.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
when is it normal to freeze before being raped?
when a policeman rapes you.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?
When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.