When jokes

So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."

When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"

Me: "Oh hell nah"

Where's freshfry when I need him? :(

"Hey, Firesharky... How did you know if I was your brother when I'm not? You didn't even say my name, and plus, I'm lying about my name."

What do you do when you see a wiener dog?

I like you wiener.

Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.

This is my name: watersharky!

Sorry man, but I got to say one thing. You know when a bully in a movie walks to you, then they walk up to you, and they smell you and say, "What are you doing?"

What's the difference between Captain Morgan and Amy Winehouse?

Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke.

What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?

"Looks like a rerun."

Yo mama is so hairy, when you were born, you got carpet burns!

What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.

You can give a hockey team airplane a new source of heating, but it went too far on September 7th, 2011, when the Yaroslavl plane crash happened.

Why are blinds called blinds?

Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!

Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?

When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.

Yo mama so fat the last time I saw 90210 was when she stepped on the scale.

Lucky for me I'm only 210.

Yo mama so dumb, when she looked at the light, she said, "Why is the sun so close to me?"

What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?

They both go "Ping" when they are done.

What did the horse say when his throat was sore?

I have a hoarse throat!

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.