When jokes

A kid is learning about planets in school, when he hears the planet Uranus. Knowing it's the perfect opportunity for a joke, the kid replies, "Where's my anus?"

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Your hairline is so bad when I looked at you, I had to use accessibility.

What does NASA say when they don’t want to go in space: Never Access Space Again.

Why did the Democrats act like an asshole when Rush Limbaugh was alive?

Because they fear him.

What do you get when you combine a planet and an apple?

Mario.

When you put the chicken in the oven, it goes down, and the oven explodes. The oven and smoke and everything is fire and on fire and flies to the grass, and all goes back.

What's the sound that dwarfs make when they have sex?

Broken plates.

We are going to a country called Bangkok. When we are there, we will Bangkok.

What do gum and guns have in common?

When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.

What do you call Link when he is hurt?

A link to the cast.

Me when:

What happens when the orphan at school gets sent home?

Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?

So they don't explode when you f*** them.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"Aye, matey."

What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?

They said, "Allahu Akbar."

What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”

Reply back with “Because you were born.”

When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.

When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.

When my dog barks, he gets ruff.