When jokes

What did the beach say when the tide came in?

"Long time no sea."

What do you do when you get a boy named Jackson? You dump him.

When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

What do you say when your friend has an ankle sprain?

"Damn bro, you got an ankle spring!"

When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.

When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.

Your mama is so stupid that when she heard drinks were on the house, she grabbed a ladder.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

When do eggs hatch?

At the CRACK of dawn!

Where did Stephen Hawking go when he broke his leg?

Hospital or Currys PC World?

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."

What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?

A wet pebble.

What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?

"Bale me out!"

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?

One does not crow when you put it in an oven.