When jokes
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies? Windows plays the shutdown music.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
Where do orphans go when sad?
Not their parents.
When are you from Delaware? You know!!! 📦
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
Why do midgets have to wear a green bright jacket when crossing the road?
Because they will get turned into a pancake even more.
It's not funny, I know.
You're so ugly that when The Oh Hellos saw you, they were like "Oh Bye!"
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
The grass tickles their balls.
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
"It's not you, it's me."
Fake emo: when I’m sad, I cut myself.
Real emo: same.
Fake emo: another piece of cake.
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
What do you call it when Panera Bread has bread?
Panera Bread.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...
What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
Why do orphans do so well in life?
When people told them "Go big or go home," they only had one option.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"