When jokes

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.

I bet emo girls get jealous when people cut paper.

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

When I have a staring contest, I always win.

Every day, I see blind people who hate me.

Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?

'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.

Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."

Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?

It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

Why do orphans love Oreos?

Because when they have a family pack, they can eat it all!

I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.