When jokes

How do you know when you're near Wacko Jacko's grave? When 'Thriller' is out and about.

What do you do when you run out of carpets? Fetch your shotgun and look for Explain Bear.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up a dead hooker.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?

Because when they win, they lose.

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.

Did you get seafood without me?

What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.