When jokes
Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?
A: "Hit me baby one more time."
The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.
My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."
New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."
Student: "But!"
Teacher: "Is something missing?"
Student: "Your parents!"
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What do you get when you cross a Chinese and an Indian man?
A car thief who can't drive.
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.
Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.
What did Osama get on his test when he was a kid? A 9/11.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.
Did you get seafood without me?
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"
When your crush walks in class, but you're homeschooled...
When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"