When jokes

One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”

The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”

The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

What happens when a Jewish guy walks into a wall with a full erection?

He breaks his nose.

Don't tell me to accept trannies for who they are when they can't even accept themselves for who they are.

When do we think the Empire State Building is going to be shot down?

Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?

A: "Hit me baby one more time."

The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."

Student: "But!"

Teacher: "Is something missing?"

Student: "Your parents!"

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

What do you get when you cross a Chinese and an Indian man?

A car thief who can't drive.

When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.

Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.

What did Osama get on his test when he was a kid? A 9/11.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:

Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.