When jokes
Where do terrorists go when they die?
Answer: Everywhere.
How do you know an orphan is telling the truth?
When they swear on their mother's grave!
Yo momma so ugly she scares herself when she looks in the mirror.
What's the difference between a suicide bomber and your mom?
A suicide bomber doesn't abort their mission like your mom did when she had you.
What do a priest and Life have in common?
They both get harder when kids are around.
Q: What does a special ed student do when he wants to buy his first car?
A: Makes a Down payment.
When will delusional Christians grow up and realize their fairy tales aren't based in reality?
When I tell people my girlfriend's packin', they always think she's really good with a gun.
She's actually transgender and on the waiting list for surgery.
Why does no one like Hitler when he goes to the movies?
Because he would count, "zehn, neun", and then it would all turn green.
Why is it that when in PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but in public when I say "blacks against whites" or "boys against girls" I'm the bad guy?
What do you call it when two gay roosters fight?
Cockfighting
What did Henry VIII say when he was asked to review Six the Musical?
"It was okay, but I really think they could have cut a few parts."
When people are ready to die for their country:
Trust the Unionist Party.
Better than Reform.
When a sign says "Do Not Walk on the Grass," it does not apply to Stephen Hawking.
When does Stephen Hawking cross the road?
When it says "DON'T WALK."
What did Stephen Hawking say—I mean, type—when he saw a beautiful woman?
"That's the best shag I never had."
When Stephen Hawking's teacher asked him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
He said, "Six foot four."
What did Stephen Hawking's mum say to him when he asked for £10?
"You can take a run and jump!"
How does Stephen Hawking compete in the hurdles?
He ducks when he gets to them.
Why can’t Kurt Cobain ride in the passenger seat?
Because he doesn’t like when someone calls "shotgun!"