When jokes

Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?

He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?

You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.

Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?

So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

Palestinians leave without saying goodbye.

Israel says goodbye when the Americans say so.

What is the best time to eat dinner?

When you're hungry.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!

Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.

Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.

I said, "Are you half left or half right?"

"Neither! In-between."

"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?

It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"

When we take a family photo, you are the background.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.