When jokes
How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?
The wheelchair rises to the top.
Yo mama is SO FAT... SO FUCKING FAT... That when she went on the bus, she wasn't allowed in. She asked why, and the driver pointed to the sign "Weight capacity of 50 people". The bus was empty.
She got mad and ate the bus!
A turtle was walking down the street when all of a sudden a snail came up to him and robbed him.
When the policemen showed up and asked him what happened, he responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
Why did the Democrats act like an asshole when Rush Limbaugh was alive?
Because they fear him.
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
What do you get when you mix a fly and a rabbit?
Bugs Bunny!
What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?
Drumsticks for everyone!
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.
The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.
The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.
9 years later......
All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.
You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
What did Steven Hawking say when the WiFi cut out?.........Nothing.
When you put the chicken in the oven, it goes down, and the oven explodes. The oven and smoke and everything is fire and on fire and flies to the grass, and all goes back.
What did the bull say when got hit in the special area? "Damn my bulls!" Ahahaha
Yo mama so fat, when she takes an elevator, it ALWAYS goes down!
What do you say to your pony when it's being wild?
Stop horsing around!
What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?
Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.
Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.