When jokes
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"
Remember, children, when you're hungry at 3:00, cook forks for 10 minutes, ok?
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."
"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."
Q. What do you get when you blindfold a racist?
A. A Notsee.
What did the SS say when A.H. was running out of ideas?
"You Wannsee my 'final solution'?"
What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Bi-son.
The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.
When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
What do you call the Illuminati when they take over the world and control everything?
The Jew World Order.
When Canadians get hurt, they don't go "ouch," they go "ooch!"
Incest.
When your genealogy chart is a straight line.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
It did not rain very often when Chuck Norris was a kid.
Why?
Because his favorite childhood song was "Rain Rain Go Away."