When jokes
What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?
One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
With a taste test.
What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?
"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
Do you know why they call me battery saver?
I get turned on when it’s below 10%.
Yo mama so fat when she steps on the scale it says, "We want your weight not your phone number."
What did the tree do when the bank closed?
It started its own branch.
What happens when you eat a cat?
I love to eat cats for dinner!
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
How do you know when a rapper's been in the kitchen?
The microwave goes, "ding, ding!"
What does Yoda say when he’s at the strip club?
"Dirty bitch, you are."
Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.
"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A rhyme scheme that's all about the Benjamins!
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"