When jokes
what do you get when you cross parents, the san fran bridge and a moody asian teen?
Niagra falls
I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
When the kid in the wheelchair scares you... you wheelie scared me.
What did the people in 9/11 say when they got the wrong pizza? Man, they got it wrong, I wanted this shitty plane!
Halloween joke:
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A blood test.
What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?
It's funnier when kids get it.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
Why is the orphan happy when he wakes up from a coma?
Because there is a family reunion.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.... All the king's horses and all the king's men, COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN."
"Rock-a-bye, baby on the treetop when the wind blows the cradle will rock when the bough breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all
Rock-a-bye, baby on the treetop when the wind blows the cradle will rock
when the bough breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all"
Anyone else finding the hidden horror in these?
Your hairline is so bad, when people see the back of your head they say "nice beard!"
I bet emo girls get jealous when people cut paper.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
I bet emo kids are jealous when their phone dies.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"