When jokes
Your hairline is so bad, when people see the back of your head they say "nice beard!"
I bet emo girls get jealous when people cut paper.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
I bet emo kids are jealous when their phone dies.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El, if I know.
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought you can mix too.
Why are orphans so successful?
When they were told to go big or go home, they only had one option.
Your sister is so stupid, when she saw Mountain Dew, she went to the top of a mountain to get it.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?
A gingerbread man.
When you're lonely, watch a scary movie. You won’t feel lonely anymore!
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Your momma is so fat, when she got in the Pacific, she became the Pacific Ocean.
Your mama's so ugly, she got everything for free.
What do you do when you're sad?
Nothing, because you are just crying about something happening to you.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.