Whats jokes
What do you call a group of special ed kids with guns? Special forces.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.
What?
The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*
Rape victim: I want to die.
Man: Hang in there.
Rape victim: That's what I'll do, I'll hang myself.
What sank the Titanic?
GODZILLA!
My name is what orphans can never have.
What do cheetahs do when they get a test?
They cheat!!!
Once I told an abortion joke and this woman was like, "I've had an abortion, that's offensive." And I was like, "I just tell jokes, I think what you do is much worse."
What is the difference between a cow and me?
Nothing.
What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What do you call the bear that pushes all the other bears into the pool?
The dry bear.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
What do you call a pig in a farm?
- A pig in a farm.
What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.
What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?
A girl actually dates the paper.
What is red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”