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Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:

The guy says, "I'm a fireman."

The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"

The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."

The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Once there was a boat. Its friends said,

"It's time to come back." And the boat said,

"No way. I don't give into pier pressure."

You were born on the freeway, you know why?

Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. 😈

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.

By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.

As a hobby, I started taking walks around the old clock tower.

It's a great way to pass the time.

When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

  • 4

    • I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?

  • 3

    • Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

    What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

    What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

    The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

    Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

    Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

    This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

    So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

    The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

    So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

    When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

    The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

  • 8

    • This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

    An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

    His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

    He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

    "MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

    "I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

  • 4

    • How to treat someone who’s lesbian, gay, queer, transgender or bisexual?

    The same way that you would treat anybody else, you homophobic bastard.

    What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

    100 dead babies in a trash can.

    What is worse than that?

    There's a live one at the bottom.

    What is worse than that?

    It eats its way out.

    What is worse than that?

    It comes back for seconds.

    What's the difference between jam and jelly?

    You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.