When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.
Violence Jokes
Why did the woman feel ugly?
A. Nobody would even rape her.
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
I pushed an orphan in a wheelchair into a fire and yelled, "Hot wheels!"
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.
What do you call a nine year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint the wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A boner.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
If raping someone is sexual harassment, then is raping a rapist inverted harassment?
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
What's more fun than nailing a baby to the floor?
Ripping it off with a kick!
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
If I called you gay, you would probably hit me with your purse.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.
I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.
