What’s the difference between Issac Newton and my Dad? Issac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench
where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere!
Where did Johnny go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.
Video games don't make people violent, lag does.
Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
What's the smartest crime?
3rd degree murder.
What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?
One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.
What's the last thing that went through John F Kennedy's head?
A bullet.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman, and falls in love with her. Man: Hey, cute lady! Woman: Leave me alone, you ugly two faced man! I already have a boyfriend. Man: Not for long! And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend. Woman: How dare you murder such a beautiful man! Man: Now you shall be my girlfriend. Woman: Never. And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before. Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder. Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly woman? Bleuch! Woman: What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men? And then the man orders flowers and candy. Bartender: We don't serve flowers, or candy. And the man shoots the bartender. Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man, and throws him out.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and see's a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running building momentum before launching himself at the nun catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement. He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nuns ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habbit and lifting her limp to her feet til face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace the drunk victoriously growled. Your not so bloody tough tonight are ya Batman.
Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!
