Use jokes
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
Why do bees have sticky hair? They always use honeycombs.
What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.
I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took a dick in the ass.
A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."
Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?
Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.
Daughter: So she only loves my sister?
Dad: Yep.
Why did Stephen Hawking and his wife stop playing hide and seek? She kept using a metal detector.
Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.
What type of flour do orphans use to bake with...? Self-raising flour!
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.
Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).
"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"
"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."
"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He uses a hard drive.
How does Stephen Hawking get clean?
He uses Tesco car wash.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.