Parents: why do you use your phone on the toilet? Me: the same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet
What do people that can only use half there face and wankers have in common. They have both had a few strokes
What do you call a fish that can use a katana?
A salmon-rai.
if u feeling numb use your thumb
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets. He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
Don't leave us hanging, Sayori.
Rules of Dark humor:
1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.
2. No saying "Me" or "My Life" as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.
3. Don't Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that.
I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.
- Sincerely, Zane
Science took us to the moon and Religion took us into a skyscraper
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.
He one day said his business was “remarkable.”
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Science flew us to the moon. Religion flew us into two skyscrapers.
What do you call a fat bitch that eats cum from used condoms??? Your mom!!!!!
Why couldn't Cinders use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach? Because they were too busy playing stable tennis!
Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...
Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT..
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledores army?
Because at one point poisonous gases where put in it
What do stomata use to fill their pools? Chlor-ine
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
