US jokes

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Why do orphans use water for cereal? Cause their dad never came back with the milk.

What type of flour do orphans use?

- Self-raising.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.

What is the difference between a condom and an orphan?

One of them is used.

Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a good year, and one's a great year.

What kind of bath bomb does an emo person use?

A toaster.

What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!