US jokes
What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.
Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.
In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.
The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"
Why do orphans use water for cereal? Cause their dad never came back with the milk.
What type of flour do orphans use?
- Self-raising.
What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.
Memes
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
Why does an orphan use water for his cereal?
He is waiting for his dad with the milk.
What instrument do skeletons use? A trombone! Haha!
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
What kind of bath bomb does an emo person use?
A toaster.
What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a good year, and one's a great year.
What is the difference between a condom and an orphan?
One of them is used.
We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!
If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."