US jokes

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a good year, and one's a great year.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

What kind of bath bomb does an emo person use?

A toaster.

What instrument do skeletons use? A trombone! Haha!

What is the difference between a condom and an orphan?

One of them is used.

Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?

Because they don’t know where home is.

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

What type of flour do orphans use?

- Self-raising.

What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

Why does the sky think it's so powerful?

Because it's always looking down on us.

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.

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