What is the difference between a condom and an orphan?
One of them is used.
US Jokes
Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!
Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?
I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.
I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"
She said, "He was a little tardy."
I replied to her, "I thought they all were."
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
What type of flour do orphans use?
- Self-raising.
What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.
Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.
In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.
The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"
Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...
Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...
If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?
You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"
Why does the sky think it's so powerful?
Because it's always looking down on us.
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.
Join us for more of the story, after the break!
I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.
Here are some rules to make a good joke:
1: Don't say “my life.”
2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.
3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).
I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?
